Emotional Sharing with Grown ‘KIDS’ While Going Through Divorce
Our children are our ‘KIDS’ no matter what age they are. We love, nurture and cherish them. We are concerned about them and hope for the best in every area of their lives. They drive us nuts and we drive them nuts as well. The bond between parent and child isn’t an easy connection to explain. It is a relationship that is beyond words. In simple terms whether it’s an easy connection with common outlooks or a more difficult connection that takes effort to bridge the gaps, deep down we love them no matter what.
We are blessed when we have GROWN KIDS who are on a common wavelength and who we enjoy sharing our life experiences. It’s our natural tendency to want to share our concerns with them and let loose about what is important in our life. A language of familiarity has been built throughout the years. The years together create a caring intimacy and a platform for emotional support.
Then something major happens that shakes up both your life as well as your child’s—divorce happens. A big part of your life is now centered in this conflict. Where do you stand with your child during this chaotic time? Are you feeling torn apart about what to share and what not to share about the divorce? Looking for the fine line between openly discussing your emotions with your ‘GROWN’ KIDS and becoming inappropriately dependent upon them for support?
Finding that fine line is a process for each person going through this struggle and is very subjective regarding the child. It’s about knowing your child and knowing what they can handle. Even if he/she has ‘GROWN’ and is an adult in chronological years, he/she is still a child who has grown up with two parents and has feelings for both. I’ve emphasized the words ‘GROWN’ KIDS with capitals to emphasize the idea that they are kids with regards to us parents and they will always be ‘KIDS’ in regards to us.
When parents get divorced it is hard for the children no matter what age. I was 29, married and with a child of my own when my parents split. Was it hard on me? You bet and if one of my parents said anything derogatory about the other, the pain was huge. I believe every family has its own set of circumstances but there are some common issues to look at:
- Tug of War is a NO-NO with a child’s psyche, no matter what age they are. In other words, don’t ask your child to play favorites. We all know this yet when our soon to be ex has behavior that would make the most sane person pull her hair out we can forget the boundary. It’s easy to rationalize the “dissing”, thinking the KIDS are older and they can understand as adults. Not so!
Sarah Chana Radcliffe, author of “Raise Your Kids without Raising Your Voice” says, “Children of every age need to identify positively with their parents. It never serves them well to ‘hate’ a parent although that may be inevitable due to their own personal experience of that parent. However, where possible, it is important that divorced couples take care not to diminish each other in the eyes of their kids no matter whether these children are small or adults with kids of their own. Moreover, adult children are not only hurt by negative talk of their parents about each other, but are also stressed by the toxicity of the communication itself.”
- Finding supportive individuals (other than your ‘GROWN’ KIDS) and healthy outlets for emotional venting is vital. This will help you keep the healthy boundaries with your KIDS.
- Let your child guide the boundaries you are setting. Watch for clues from their behavior as to how your sharing is affecting them. Pick up when a certain piece of information about the situation seems upsetting or too much for your child. Apologize and move on to less stressful topics.
- Honesty is the best policy at all times. Remain open and communicate lovingly but remain sensitive.
As we continue to parent our older children there is room for more friendship and understanding. It may be hard to imagine now, but the intensity of the divorce period will lessen. Things will ease off in time and new beginnings will start to appear. Our relationship with our older children will continue to be an asset for them and for us long after the ugly days of the divorce. Wishing you insight and sensitivity as you successfully navigate your divorce and your relationship with your GROWN CHILD.
